This is...
This is going to be one of those posts about knowing your place it the world. It's likely going to be lengthy, so if you're not up for the intellectual mopings of someone with negative self esteem, bail out now.
All my life, shit, as far back as elementary school I've been a freak. I've been nothing but an outcast that everybody talks shit on. Like that retarded kid who tries to be in your group of friends, but as soon as he's left the vicinity, everyone's making fun of him. You keep people like that around to make you feel better, or because you take pity on them. Or maybe, just maybe, what little they bring to the table is worth keeping them around. You know, like that time he paid for pizza...
I've never fit in anywhere. Not once in my whole life. I've always been the butt of jokes or the girl that people stare at in the halls and just ask questions to themselves about. "Why does she wear all black?" or "Why isn't her hair a normal color?" or even "Why can't anyone just have a normal conversation with her?".
I never had a single friend in elementary school, so I was a mommy's girl. I didn't understand how jaded everyone around me already was because my positive outlook and naive hope for humanity blotted out the dark even at age 10. I started to open my eyes and see that people thought I was an idiot in middle school.
I didn't have a single friend there until I met Susan. Someone who, like me, wasn't afraid to hope for a little light in people. Someone who wasn't afraid to be different and answer those unasked questions in others. She understood the pain of uniqueness and had overcome beautifully. Shit, to this day I still look up to her.
She carried me into high school, where I continued to be a fucking freak. It wasn't until senior year, after being battered for the first eleven, that I started to give in. Hair was normal blonde color, clothes were average just to blend in. I didn't carry anything abnormal and IF I had a conversation with anyone, it was boring, average, and unmemorable.
I thought that all changed when I came to college. I thought I could break free of the world of judgements and finally be amongst people just like me who would appreciate my cunning wit, my daring fashion sense, and my off-center interests. And I was right for a while. Of course there was the occasional prick who would bust me for having red hair or sporting any Tripp gear, but I was so high and mighty that it didn't affect me. And I've been pretty fucking mighty since then...
But it's hard to turn the other way and pretend someone you trust ISN'T thinking of you as useless.
For the longest time, I thought being a RA was a power. I thought that having that master key made you someone to look up to, someone to trust, someone to believe in and someone who you could rely on. And for the longest time I've tried to live up to that. I've tried to be everything.
I've been the event coordinator, working through events and taking the blame for something falling through. I've been the party buster, where students learn their lesson and gain a new respect for following the rules. I've been the counselor LOTS of times, where anyone can come to me with their problems and expect an understanding shoulder to cry on. I've been the role model, the person that someone sees doing positive things and swears away their demons to strive for greatness. I've been the professional, the slick-suited representative of DeVry giving an old school a newfangled name. I've been the girlfriend, who does her man's laundry and keeps his apartment clean while he stresses himself with work, and when he comes home, is there to make him happy still. And I've been the friend, the one you can rely on to be there whenever you need them, through thick and thin, unmoved and unchanging.
Despite what I've been, I'll always remain the outcast. It doesn't matter how responsible, mature, trusting, kind, understanding, optimistic, caring, giving, strong, respectable or even PERFECT you may be... Once an outcast, always an outcast.
This is one of those posts about knowing your place in the world as a piece of shit. And how badly it smells while you're shining at the bottom.
All my life, shit, as far back as elementary school I've been a freak. I've been nothing but an outcast that everybody talks shit on. Like that retarded kid who tries to be in your group of friends, but as soon as he's left the vicinity, everyone's making fun of him. You keep people like that around to make you feel better, or because you take pity on them. Or maybe, just maybe, what little they bring to the table is worth keeping them around. You know, like that time he paid for pizza...
I've never fit in anywhere. Not once in my whole life. I've always been the butt of jokes or the girl that people stare at in the halls and just ask questions to themselves about. "Why does she wear all black?" or "Why isn't her hair a normal color?" or even "Why can't anyone just have a normal conversation with her?".
I never had a single friend in elementary school, so I was a mommy's girl. I didn't understand how jaded everyone around me already was because my positive outlook and naive hope for humanity blotted out the dark even at age 10. I started to open my eyes and see that people thought I was an idiot in middle school.
I didn't have a single friend there until I met Susan. Someone who, like me, wasn't afraid to hope for a little light in people. Someone who wasn't afraid to be different and answer those unasked questions in others. She understood the pain of uniqueness and had overcome beautifully. Shit, to this day I still look up to her.
She carried me into high school, where I continued to be a fucking freak. It wasn't until senior year, after being battered for the first eleven, that I started to give in. Hair was normal blonde color, clothes were average just to blend in. I didn't carry anything abnormal and IF I had a conversation with anyone, it was boring, average, and unmemorable.
I thought that all changed when I came to college. I thought I could break free of the world of judgements and finally be amongst people just like me who would appreciate my cunning wit, my daring fashion sense, and my off-center interests. And I was right for a while. Of course there was the occasional prick who would bust me for having red hair or sporting any Tripp gear, but I was so high and mighty that it didn't affect me. And I've been pretty fucking mighty since then...
But it's hard to turn the other way and pretend someone you trust ISN'T thinking of you as useless.
For the longest time, I thought being a RA was a power. I thought that having that master key made you someone to look up to, someone to trust, someone to believe in and someone who you could rely on. And for the longest time I've tried to live up to that. I've tried to be everything.
I've been the event coordinator, working through events and taking the blame for something falling through. I've been the party buster, where students learn their lesson and gain a new respect for following the rules. I've been the counselor LOTS of times, where anyone can come to me with their problems and expect an understanding shoulder to cry on. I've been the role model, the person that someone sees doing positive things and swears away their demons to strive for greatness. I've been the professional, the slick-suited representative of DeVry giving an old school a newfangled name. I've been the girlfriend, who does her man's laundry and keeps his apartment clean while he stresses himself with work, and when he comes home, is there to make him happy still. And I've been the friend, the one you can rely on to be there whenever you need them, through thick and thin, unmoved and unchanging.
Despite what I've been, I'll always remain the outcast. It doesn't matter how responsible, mature, trusting, kind, understanding, optimistic, caring, giving, strong, respectable or even PERFECT you may be... Once an outcast, always an outcast.
This is one of those posts about knowing your place in the world as a piece of shit. And how badly it smells while you're shining at the bottom.
posted by Elliya at 12:26 PM
Where the music is trapped. 
6 Comments:
The outcast may be, but an outcast alone... is not.
We the few, with open optimistic eyes see potential and have faith that we will be accepted and loved for who we are and nothing more. We, the unwanted, fell the burden to help and give those who temporarily feel our pain the person they need who make them feel better. We can do our best to please and show how much we want to help, to love, to cherish... but who is there to listen? Do we continue on with our life in despair? Do we let them win and change who we are? DO we feel the need to be human like others and break down? Humanity, the freak, the virus. We worry about why people don't love us, to want to be with us, don't make the effort to share the good and fun times with us. But we, the unwanted, the freaks march on.
The glimmer of hope is all that we have. On the blade of a knife our hope feels some times. Just to much pressure and our hope is slashed in two. But hope gives us strength, lets us look to tomorrow with glee. Hope brings us together and doesn’t let out dreams die. Without it, we become the real freaks. The ones who have no meaning in life, who think they are better but have no meaning to breathe their next breath. Hope is what we all need.
Troubled eyes bring us a false truth. Bring us down to where we truly are not. Troubled minds deep the hole we fall in. A depth where we not be. To fall so much when you have not. To lose a love, that cares not enough. To feel as low as the feasting wild bore is not where you belong. You are much more than you realize, for I have seen what you can do. I have seen the friendship that you have brought and must say thank you for helping me. You have given me hope as I have seen you march forth. You have given me hope to see what you have done.
To work that life, and take on those responsibilities is a great task that few can do. To be the one for other to look up to as an example, as a friend is not to be noted. Don't let the virus bring you down. Look at who you are, what you do, what you strive for, and what you know bring you up. You are the example that we all need, to be the friend we all want.
But like you, I am cast away. I am in self exile. I know no friends. The depth of hell hath no forgiving past... while only a glimpse of hope brings me back in. Do we, the freak, dare to step back into the fight and take the next beating? Do we sit back and let the virus consume us? Make us scared and dark? Do we let it turn us into them?
Be yourself, as that is what I love. Praise the day, for you will lose it forever.
Nobody deserves to see these troublesome times, but it not for us to decide what time we have. All we can do is chose what to do with the time we are given.
Everyone at school loves you, and if you keep digging yourself into this pit it will all go to waste. You're not a piece of shit and I've tried to tell you this numerous times. There will always be someone that understands you, there will always be someone that can make you feel better about yourself. I understand the way you feel about being an outcast, been there done that, but you can't let it hold you down. You're an amazing person - right now you might not be the one I fell in love with, but you're still you and you still have the same qualities that make you who you are, and if people can't accept that and see the beauty in it then fuck them. You've got plenty of friends that all care about you, myself included , so never feel like you're alone on this. I'm only a few doors away.
A really long, poetic, uplifting story and an actual helpful comment after that and I must compare to these two...
I really don't see much of you at all anymore whether your life is busy at the moment or you just have a click of friends in interest but when I do see you I see a girl who sticks out of the crowd with her bright, orange hair and shimmering (maybe too emphasized with shimmering but I couldn't think of a better word. Basically you have a cute smile ^^) smile and when you enter a room, everyone just wants to smile with you. You appear to be happy anyway but I guess negative thoughts are starting to dig into you pretty deep.
Whoever is filling your head with these thoughts are apparently not people you need to converse with because their is people like Ryan and this... "blink" guy who will actually take the time to read this lengthy blog and respond with helping words. Personally I think blinks was a bit much but that is just me ^^
Meh, I'm just letting ya know I care too. Tell those negative yancies to suck a dick because you're a college student trying to succeed and still keep your goofy, intellectual, uplifting attitude and those are rare attributes in a single individual.
I have to agree with you in this. I was one of those people who didn't have a lot of friends in high school up until 10th grade. I was always being made fun of and tried my best to make new friends, but it always seemed that they would go behind my back and talk about me or something to that effect. Do not feel alone in this time, for you are not alone and there are many of us who have been rejected or shunned or made fun of for no reason other than the fact that we don't conform to what other people think. You can't let yourself be influenced by what other people think of you. I know you and you are an awesome person. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You have a unique personality that sets you apart from everyone else. If they can't see that you are an awesome person, then it will be there loss. You are better than them.
:)
John
as serious as you make this issue out to be, you're wrong.
:)
you've got low self-esteem. k, now that you know that, fix it. yo've got friends to relay on and people you can count on. its time to realize that your life isn't bad, and no matter which way you try to spin it, you're not an outcast.
more than anything, it's annoying for those of us who are close to you, because we see you in such a positive light, and when we ask why you feel so badly, you often don't have an answer.
you and i are very close, and unlike most, i have no problem being honest. especially with you.
buck up, get back on your horse, and move on. you're better than this, and the wost part is you know that.
sometimes it is better to look back and gather up the friends still following you rather than chase after new friends
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