Demo
It's not often that washing my face at the end of a day provokes the disturbing urge in me to drown myself in my own bathroom sink... But today was something like that.
Since I was single for so long, and hurt so badly to arrive at that point, I really forgot how to cry. I spent my time alone, brooding, stretching the "me" muscle. Concentrating on myself and doing exactly what I wanted to do. That was a first step for me. I've never lacked someone to mold myself around until those few weeks. I took 2am walks because I had the freedom to, and I liked it. Life shat on me like never before, and to save myself, I spent my time by myself. I rekindled friendships and donned the first selfish garb I've ever worn.
In me is the genetics of an independent woman, mostly thanks to my mother, so getting back in this 'swing' of taking care of someone I really, quite frankly, would do anything for is a challenge.
... I've found myself slightly off topic in comparison to what this post was originally about. I've, again, gone from some topic back to that cutie Eric... Only the first topic was day-end suicide.
Onward.
Today was the first time I cried in a long while. It was some sick mesh of my grandmother being in the hospital, Ronnie NEVER appreciating anything I do, my homework getting way backed up, and my new roommate being a terrible player at life (the real thing, not the board game).
I was just washing my face when it crippled me. When I just stared at the toothpaste stains leading into the drain and fought the urge to breathe water. Or when I stared at my medicine cabinet and concocted in my head a handful of pill-candies that would do the trick.
Fuck. Something's wrong with me...
Since I was single for so long, and hurt so badly to arrive at that point, I really forgot how to cry. I spent my time alone, brooding, stretching the "me" muscle. Concentrating on myself and doing exactly what I wanted to do. That was a first step for me. I've never lacked someone to mold myself around until those few weeks. I took 2am walks because I had the freedom to, and I liked it. Life shat on me like never before, and to save myself, I spent my time by myself. I rekindled friendships and donned the first selfish garb I've ever worn.
In me is the genetics of an independent woman, mostly thanks to my mother, so getting back in this 'swing' of taking care of someone I really, quite frankly, would do anything for is a challenge.
... I've found myself slightly off topic in comparison to what this post was originally about. I've, again, gone from some topic back to that cutie Eric... Only the first topic was day-end suicide.
Onward.
Today was the first time I cried in a long while. It was some sick mesh of my grandmother being in the hospital, Ronnie NEVER appreciating anything I do, my homework getting way backed up, and my new roommate being a terrible player at life (the real thing, not the board game).
I was just washing my face when it crippled me. When I just stared at the toothpaste stains leading into the drain and fought the urge to breathe water. Or when I stared at my medicine cabinet and concocted in my head a handful of pill-candies that would do the trick.
Fuck. Something's wrong with me...
posted by Elliya at 10:49 PM
Where the music is trapped. 
5 Comments:
There is nothing "wrong" with you.
Would you claim that the bipolar kind of behaviour you've described here is unusual for you?
You are Amber Gohn. You will always be Amber Gohn.
There is something wrong with us all. From darkness comes light. We sit in darkness waiting for the sun to shine through, as it does we put on sunglasses before walking outside :P
PS: It's probably not that you forgot how to cry, it's more than likely that you didn't have the reasons too. Relationships can drain even the toughest of hearts... I used to be obsessed with pain until I found out what a broken heart was.
Ronnie never appreciates what you do, and your homework gets backed up because you're too busy being too damn good at your job, which in turn makes it even worse when Ronnie doesn't appreciate it. I've told you before and I'll tell you again - you're amazing at what you do whether he says so or not, and no one can take that away from you. You're a strong person, stronger than I, and I guarantee you'll be okay. But seriously - no more pills, shits weak...
I have to agree with what Mctruck said about Ronnie. He doesn't appreciate anything you do, and you do one hell of an amazing job. ( I guess I trained you well:-) ) Pills and stuff....its so not worth it. You are much stronger then that, and you know it. You don't need the praise from a man who can't even begin appreciate the work you and all the RAs do or even begin to comprehend the word appreciation. He's only in it for one thing and one thing only...ok well maybe two... free housing and the money. But trust me dear, do no let yourself get caught up on the emptiness that is Ronnie. There is more to life then this....
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