Just once more...

I usually don't like to write blogs that whine and cry, but when I come to a breaking point, this is usually a preferrable outlet, as opposed to the drywall.

I guess it started Friday. I came home after my eye doctor's appointment and called Susan, whom I haven't talked to in months. We were going to go to Starlite diner, a famed place for many good times. Later that night I got a call from her around 8 saying that it was raining and she couldn't drive. Ruined my night, really.

I was sick as death then anyway, so I guess no harm done. I stayed up all night with a mix of sinus problems, nausea, and a fuck of a cough. I had to cancel all the fun plans I had and just get back to Philly, where the air wasn't polluted from my mom lighting up every 3 minutes.

Even the ride home got on my nerves. It seems everyone, including my mom, forgets how to drive when it rains. That and every time she lit up again, my cough got worse and worse, to the point where I really couldn't breathe.

So I finally got home and the first thing I did was sleep, since I hadn't done so in 26 hours. 4 hours was all I got, and then friends started showing up. I was in a great mood from my powernap, so we walked over to building 2. On the way back to 3, I found the only patch of ice in miles and wiped out. The damage: 1/4 inch deep gash in my left elbow, along with road rash up my forearm, 4 cuts along my left hand, a bruised and cut up right knee, and a sore rib.

So I basically only have the use of one arm. It's impossible to sleep Saturday night because moving hurts, and I couldn't lay down if I tried due to my cough. Sunday pops up.

Nothing notable there, except TJ coming over and me trying my best to brush him off. I really don't even understand that situation even to this date. It's not that he doesn't make me happy, I just want so desperately to be alone lately. I tried to do some homework but he followed me anyway.

Monday comes, I feel even worse than I have the past two days, and now I feel like my elbow's infected. On top of the swollen joint, I've still got a cough and a sinus problem that makes me want to do surgery on myself. But I still went to class. At least getting the hell out of my apartment was something to look forward to, but I can't take care of myself if I'm at the school, so when I got home, I went straight to bed again. Mind, I've done JACK of homework since Friday.

TJ and I got into our first big fight Monday night. He's determined that he'll never make me happy again, and all I want is some time and distance. I don't blame him for my gaining weight and failing classes, I just can't help but think things wouldn't go that way had I not been around him. Maybe I'm just bored. Bored with his personality, now that I've been hanging out with my new friends. That doesn't mean I don't love him, but I don't want to be around him, and I feel like when I AM around him, I have to tolerate his presence.

God knows if I let the stress from that sink in, I'm done for, so I've been letting things dangle by the couple of threads that are still left. I can't even let sex be the cure all because I feel like shit. Can't perform under that kind of pressure.

I've just been an emotional rollercoaster the past few days. I've gone from happiest I've ever been to the closest I've been to suicide in 48 hours' time.

I can't even muster the patience to write it all down here. What's happening to me? All I know is I have to block out EVERYTHING and do what needs to be done before Thursday. I have laundry, dishes, trash, cleaning, homework, and relationship maintenance to take care of, and I've got far less than the time I need. And far less than the patience it'll require.

So I took a painkiller.