All the things I never said

1. I tried not to like you when I met you. I tried to tell myself that I'd just be hurt again and I tried to play the flirting game until we had sex and I had a reason to forget you. For weeks, I was broken, and admitted myself to being single and taking from the world what was taken from me. But you, unlike any other guy I knew, wouldn't let that happen. I felt challenged and kept trying until, before I knew it, I was excited to see you.

I've never called that love before, but that night at the coffeehouse when I did, in front of all those people, felt wonderful.

2. I don't really care much for myself. That fact was pretty obvious, but I've never voiced it. Frequently I envision my things without me owning them. Whereas that brings happiness to a screeching halt, it feels good to know I might actually be missed if I die in my sleep one night.

3. I feel guilty when I ask for your attention. This product of the judgments of other people is why I'm afraid to ask for anything from anyone. When I ask to see you, I feel like I'm impeding on time with your friends, and the last thing I want to do is become the men I've dated before. I guess it's just because I've been alone almost all my life and I'm afraid of being alone again.

4. I feel inferior to you. I've never seen you weak, I've never seen you crumble. I've never seen you break down and I've never seen you give up. Those facts alone make you bigger, stronger and better than me.

5. I depend on you, and I don't need a numbered list to tell me that. I'm embarrassed that I feel like I can't function like a whole human being anymore without you.

Something to remind me

And everywhere I go,
There's always something to remind me
Of another place and time
Where love that traveled far had found me.

As much as I fight the idea and proclaim otherwise, I'm broken. I'm living in things I wish I felt. Motivation I wish I had. Sleep I wish I got. Love I wish I knew.

I'm the single audience member in the theater of a poorly written show, and though my smiles of support offer hope to those on stage, the crack in my heart splits a little wider with every lie I tell. Like the rotten inside of a retarded child's mother.

I'm so far distracted, I don't even know where I can begin...