"Mhvvh Vkhsdug" n' me

(+3)
If I learned anything today, it's what I need to do. Through the wisdom shared between the Wise Man and his Wise Man, my insight drew much. I feel a level of destined clarity breaching the horizon and it's within my grasp.

I need to gain control of what I used to attribute to chance. I need to realize that I have this control within my realm of ability, and I need to unlock what it means to think things through before leaping.

That said, my mind exhausts itself like a fat kid on the track team trying to remember its Olympic years. It begs the question "What shut me down?" It was before Eric. Before TJ. Maybe even before Dave and Rico... When did I flick off the brilliant switch? And why is it so easy to keep a goal in mind as I train my abilities back again? Especially when I can't even exercise and eat consistently...

Whatever it was that stopped me, it's gone now. It moved out without leaving a note or a message. 'Took the doormat with it...

Above all the things I learned today, the most important to me is what's important to me. That's right, I really began to neatly summarize exactly what I need, what I want, and what needs to happen to get there. Even though one of the things I want involves others getting what they want, I learned that I need to take care of myself in order to take care of others.

With all that in mind, I bid you, my focus, a sweet dreaming. Even though you'll probably never read this.

...

I didn't need to react like that?

You didn't need to ROT in my place of sanctuary for 9 months, choking me of my privacy and personality. You didn't need to center yourself in the universe to belittle my problems day after day. You didn't need to so thoroughly regain my trust and then throw it back in my face after I've helped you build yours for the better part of a year.

You did need to leave. And I'm fucking thrilled you did.

Massive Attack - Angel

He's like a roar and a whisper. He leaves me choked and gasping for air. He's a map and a detour. A road and a destination. He's everything and nothing at the same time.

He fills me with doubt and hope, dreams and realities, truths and lies...

But he makes me notice the little things. The little things that make up the big things. And thanks to him, I feel as though I can grasp all things... Big, little, and every size in between.

"...To bring me love."

My Cook Book

I find myself, yet again, deeply inspired by an undercooked recipe of loneliness and free time, flavored with a pinch of desperation. A formula that, under the right circumstances and bake time, produces a rare chemical effect that renders me the more peculiar kind of depressed.

I've had a lot to think about lately, which is another ingredient in the fore mentioned recipe. At the risk of public revolution, I'll avoid being abstract wherever possible.

I can't really seem to get a grip on my current state. In short, I'm not happy, but we all know that very little fits inside a nutshell. I've found myself seeming vacant recently. Not taking my life and surroundings very seriously. Of course, complete neurotic neutralism has both pros and cons. On the positive side, I'm noticeably less emotional. I'm frequently less distressed about minor things that used to send me up a wall. I seldom get angry or cry, unlike before, and a certain numbing euphoria carpets my passions.

Which leads me into the negative effects of emotional lobotomy. My feelings have been scooped out with a large spoon! I have no love, I have no hate, I have no interest or dissatisfactions. I have no opinion and no meaning, and it's the worst way I could imagine feeling. I want to cry every time I watch Moulin Rouge, and throw furniture around when my boss makes unreasonable demands. I want to yell at someone when the time FEELS right, and I want to confess my love with a kiss where I find elation.

No life should be without spice, especially no young and able life. I want to start cooking with exotic ingredients, even if it means kicking the habit of bland. I want to start living again before I forget what both great and terrible feelings taste like...