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I hope to god you never read this. That you never witness this agony I'm going through. That you never know the shame I've imposed on myself for what I've done. The pain I've drowned myself in for what I put you through. The drugs I've done to get you out of my mind. The men I've taken shelter in for the chance to move on from you.

I hope to god you never read this. That you never know the truth.



The truth hurts too much.

Another line, another wasted line

Every once in a while, I return here to dig up a forgotten treasure chest of emotions. When the grab bag life hands me turns out to be nothing but stale candy, I come here to reflect on the good and the bad, moreso the bad.

The further back I read, the more eyeliner-stained tissues I soak and the more disappointed I become in myself. I was happy once. I really was. And I gave that up.

It's hard to say what kills me more- seeing the changes in myself from years past, nearly always for the worse, or knowing these changes can't be reversed. Knowing that these lessons the world sat me in its classroom to teach me were wounds that would scar and leave me marked for life.

I'm not the same person I used to be. Then again, none of us are. But I remember you, even without returning here to dig up old emotions. I remember every ounce of you. Your wit, your handsome charm, your motivation and the words you sculpted. Every held glance, every lingering kiss, every moment I took for granted.

Do you remember me?

Or was that another wasted line?

Rain. Rhymes with Pain.

I didn't want to cry tonight. I thought that maybe, just maybe, after a day filled with so much new hope, joy and inspiration, my wounds, both literal and figurative, wouldn't open again as they regularly have. I spent the day in good spirits and smiles. Finally reaping the hard-earned happiness after sowing misery and watering it with tears that fell every night like summer storms. Then, all at once, I found myself... again drenched in the same rain that my sprouts of sadness soak up and swell with. As the day's good deeds melted into a puddle of reminded disappointments and anger-laden regrets.

I didn't want to cry tonight.


Pick your head up off the floor... -City Rain