I lie awake...

Zero 7 - Destiny came on my playlist today. The first thing I did, without even noticing, was miss him. Am I that unhappy with what I have now that I'm willing to go back?

But, back then was so... Perfect.

I wanna be in love again.

"Move" is a four letter word.

Well, I'm not moving. After much internal and external debate, and a downright 'no' from Ronnie regarding my master plan, I'm not leaving 901. Dez has to look for new roommates. I feel bad, but I would have felt worse knowing I went through with a pity move. I love Dez, but come on. This is my life and my happiness.

That aside, I'm still having problems with him, but I guess I'm too distracted to even care. It's like we're growing apart further each day. I've got over 4 days without him scheduled next week. I'll be doing a lot of working, but I know I'll miss him anyway.

On that topic, his jealousy is absolutely enraging. Looking back to when we first started dating, he never had to tell me to stay away from other guys because he took up all my time. And I mean all my time. Now that I'm trying to gain some space and independance, his jealousy kicks in and he gets all posessive about me. I wish I could just tell him that I'm not his object, that I'm a human being who deserves to have her own friends and her own life.

Last night, he had the nerve to call Ryan a "just in case" guy. That Ryan knew I was taken, but was hanging around me all the time "just in case" Dave and I would break up. That Ryan would be the first guy I'd go to if that happened. I tried not to act offended after he said that, and ended up feeling sick to my stomach that I was still sleeping in his bed. If I have a friend that I'm close to, and he's suspicious that they're plotting to steal me from him, I'm surely nothing more than an object or a pet in his eyes, otherwise he'd respect that I need people to hang out with other than his sorry ass. Just thinking about it is making me sick with rage.

-sigh- I'm gonna do a show tonight. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I get home, but I'm sure it'll be reflected in what I play.

We only had a fight...

But that doesn't mean it didn't crush me to tell him how I was really feeling. I really don't deserve to feel drained by the one I love. Do I really love him if I let him use me? Am I even letting him use me or am I just imagining things? He's the best man I've known to this day, but everyone has their flaws. His is just that he's jealous and wants me around him all the time. And it's my fault for getting addicted to him. It hurts to be away from him. It hurts like it used to hurt when I was separated from my mom. For YEARS I couldn't spend the night anywhere because I was afraid and homesick. And I'm feeling more and more handicapped by his presence every day. In the mornings when I wake up early to go to work, I can't tear myself away from his sleeping body. I can't bring myself to leave him alone, not even for a minute.

People have been telling me to get out, to escape while I can, but I'm already in too deep. I'm just so safe and warm in his arms that I can't do what's good for me. My grades are slacking, my work ethic has dropped, I've lost my pleasant aura. Even my popularity has decreased. And for what?

I haven't done my show in a while. My Tuesdays have been eaten up by this accelerated course I've been taking, but I've dropped that now and I still can't do my shows. I just don't feel like I'm reaching all the ideals I set for myself ages ago. I mean, despite the boyfriend drama, I'm just not enjoying college like I was before. It could be the accelerated courses sucking huge dicks, or this terrible job at the Student Lounge that I'm quitting. My grades are miserable too.

I just don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel like I've lost contact with my old friends, and if it's anything I need right now it's someone to remind me who I used to be.

I can't fucking believe it...

I just want
someone who
won't WALK
all over me!!

What makes a melonball bounce?

For once, I have nothing to do. I've done the homework for all of my classes AND I have 30 minutes to waste here in the library before I move to the student lounge to work. I've filled out my timesheets already, my calendar is up to date... I really don't have anything that needs done! I haven't had this feeling in weeks.

Oh, and Elephant Larry rocks.